Love and Heartache

Today I made a decision that I didn’t want to make. A decision that tore me in half; one that broke my heart. A decision that was selfless but painful. A decision that left me in tears.
Six weeks ago I took home a two day old kitten from my coworker’s home after the mother had abandoned him. From the moment I took him home, I hand raised him. I fed him whenever his little heart desired food. I slept every night with him curled up against me. When I came around and he heard my voice, it didn’t matter what he was doing, he’d find his way to me.
As crazy as this sounds, he thought I was his mama and I was. I was the only mama figure that he’d ever known. He was my sweet Chancer and I was his Mama.
From the moment I brought him home, I was warned that Chancer may not make it. I was well aware of that fact. He was only two days old; of course there was a high risk of losing him, but as time went on, I stopped worrying about losing him. He was making bounds and leaps and I couldn’t have been happier with his progress. Unfortunately, a few days ago, his health started to decline. He wasn’t interested in eating anymore and he was just unhappy. So today when I took Sadie to the vets for a checkup, I took Chancer with me.
I needed to know what I was doing wrong or if there was anything I could do differently. I was hoping for an antibiotic or an old wives tale to heal my sweet boy. I received neither. Instead, the Vet was surprised at how old he was because he hadn’t grown much. She took Chancer to the back to have another Vet look at him and when she came out, I knew the news wasn’t what I wanted to hear.
You see, Chancer hadn’t developed like he should have and as the Vet said, it had nothing to do with anything I did. The Vet explained that Chancer was sick and that he was born with this problem. That was probably why his mother left him after he was born.
The Vet gave me two choices. I could take Chancer home alive and wait it out until he passed away naturally or I could have him put down and let out of his misery. 90% of me wanted to do exactly that. I wanted to take my baby boy back and run out of that Vets Office as fast as I could, but that 10% of me couldn’t allow it.
In the last six weeks, Chancer has made me smile thousands of times. He has made me realize how blessed I am. Chancer was a gift from God. He loved me unconditionally and it was time for me to return the favor. It wouldn’t have been fair to Chancer for me to keep him alive when he’d eventually breathe his final breath and he’d most likely be in pain. I didn’t want that for my sweet boy. I wanted to do what was best for him even if it wasn’t what my heart wanted.
As tears rolled down my face, I signed the papers and said my final goodbye. I kissed Chancer on the head several times, told him that I loved him and just soaked in the last couple minutes that I had with him. As the Vet took Chancer away from me, I sat in the empty waiting room with Sadie Mae and just balled my eyes out.
I’m not usually one to cry in public but my heart was aching. The tears came and I let them. My heart was breaking and I didn’t have the strength to keep from crying anymore.
They brought Chancer out to me in a small box that had a heart on it that one of the Vets had drawn for me. I was taking Chancer home to be buried in the yard he’d never play in. I thanked the Vets and walked to my car carrying my sweet kitten that now knew no pain and suffering and my puppy who had been calm through it all.
As I sat in my car, I fumbled with the keys as the tears once again took over. Now that I was alone in my car, I could let the pain consume me.
As I write this, I’m still struggling as the pain is still raw. It’s never easy having to let a pet go even when you know it’s the best thing you could do for them. I know I made the right decision but knowing that doesn’t even make it easier.
Chancer Baby, you meant the world to me and I couldn’t have asked for a better blessing in life than you! You gave me so much to smile about and you were by far the best little snuggle bug that I could have asked for. I’m going to miss your sweet little face and the way you could always find me when you heard my voice. You are my little angel and I’ll love you to the moon and back for always!