It Broke Over and Over Again

Mondays are usually rough as you try to get back on your normal week day routine but today has been a little more than I can take.
I started my Monday morning off early as Sadie Mae had an appointment at the Vets. She was scheduled to get spayed. As she normally is, Sadie Mae was that happy-go-lucky, hyper puppy that I’ve come to know and adore with all my heart when I left her at the Vets this morning. This afternoon, she was something all too unfamiliar to me.
I foolishly didn’t prepare myself for how Sadie Mae would be coming out of surgery. I suppose since she’s always been a hyper, spunky, and never stopping puppy, that she would come out of surgery strong. I’m not entirely sure what was running through my mind when I picked her up because I was not ready for it. I wasn’t ready at all.
When I arrived at the Vets Office to pick my sweet girl up, I paid and found a spot on a bench in the waiting room while they got Sadie Mae prepared to go home. As time went on, they had to call back for Sadie Mae twice. After the last call, the Vet came out and sat down with me. I thought she was simply explaining to me Sadie Mae’s pain medicine but she wasn’t. She sat there and told me that Sads was in a lot of pain and that she had been crying on and off for the last couple hours. It broke my heart.
At that moment, I was a mixture of emotions. I was upset that Sads wasn’t feeling well and I was angry with the people who were taking care of her because they never once called me to update me on her status. I had to call up there twice just to see how she was doing. But even though I was angry, the pain that I felt for my baby took over.
The Vet went back in to finish getting Sadie ready for me and my heart continued to break. As I sat there waiting for my baby girl to come out, I could hear her whining from behind the door that separated us. As if being told she was in enormous pain wasn’t enough, the puppy cries that came from behind that door was more than enough. The tears in my eyes began to form. I wanted to run to that door and open it up and close that space that separated me from my sweet baby girl and yet all I could do was wait. I sat on that bench and cringed every single time I heard her cry out. As soon as that door opened, you best believe I ran to her as quickly as my shaky legs could.
I hugged Sadie Mae and just let her whine until her little heart was content. It was a struggle leaving the Vets Office as I came to realize she was holding a grudge against me. I suppose I deserved it. I had brought her to this mean place in the first place. As I tried to leave with Sads, she wouldn’t budge. After a few attempts at getting her to walk with me, the Vet finally came over and took a hold of her leash so I could go bring the car around. When Sads saw the car, she finally came with me.
The car ride home was a piece of cake. She cried a few times while trying to get comfortable in the back seat but other than that, she was silent and content. I drove slower than normal. Bringing your hurt puppy home is like bringing a newborn baby home. You keep your hands at ten and two and pray that you make it home without upsetting the little one. That was all I wanted. I wanted Sadie Mae to be comfortable and happy on the way home.
I thought this awful nightmare of an afternoon was over when we arrived home. I thought Sadie Mae would willingly get out of the car at home where she was familiar with but she didn’t. Unfortunately, I ended up in tears sitting in the car with Sadie Mae.
Sadie wouldn’t leave the back seat for anything. If I attempted to get her out, she was cry and attempt to bite me. I was home alone so I was on my own to get her out of the car and safely in the house. As I failed attempt after attempt, I finally broke down and cried. Those tears that had been fighting their way out had finally made their way down my cheeks. I just sat there and let the tears flow because I was at my wits end.
It was a painful and time consuming process, but Sadie Mae eventually made it into the house. I feel like my heart broke with every step we took. She’s currently settled down in her kennel on a pillow being a sad sap. It hurts to see her this way and it’s taking every ounce of me not to tear up again.
I know in a few days she’ll be back to her normal spunky rambunctious self and I’ll be wishing for this calm puppy to reappear. As of right now, I just want my fun loving, never stopping, crazy wild puppy back. It saddens me to see her like this. I can’t stand it!
I realize this will all be over in a few days. Thank the Lord!
This decision to get her spayed was the right decision for me. I have a tough time keeping up with Sadie. I could only imagine the chaos that would come from having mini Sadie Mae’s running around. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. One of her is enough and I mean that with a loving heart. I couldn’t imagine loving another puppy the way that I love Sadie Mae. She’s my little piece of heaven and I couldn’t have chosen a better puppy to bring so much joy and laughter into my life.
I hope her recovery is quick and as painless as possible. I just want my rambunctious puppy back to normal.

After all this time, your words still hurt.

It’s a beautiful part of life falling in love and giving your heart to someone else, but it’s the darkest part in life when you fall out of love with that person and try to put your shattered heart back together. It’s as if you’re not even fully there in person. Your body may be going through the motions of everyday life but mentally and emotionally, you are thousands of miles away.
Fortunately, after the initial break up, you begin to pick up those pieces and you move on with your life. You eventually begin to forget about that person, about how they used to be a part of your everyday life, and you heal your broken heart and move on.
A little over five months ago, I went through an awful break up. It was the darkest time in my life. It took a little time for me to realize that I deserved better, that I deserved to be completely happy and that HE wasn’t good for me. So I moved on with my life. I surrounded myself with family and friends, started enjoying life again and found the light at the end of the tunnel.
I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been since I found the strength to pick myself back up and carry on with my life. With that being said, that doesn’t mean that things don’t irritate me or hurt my feelings when it pertains to my ex boyfriend.
The other night, the good ole Fourth of July, my ex boyfriend decided to send me a snapchat. Now I can only assume that he was drunk but that’s no excuse for the rude remark that he sent with his picture. As simple and as stupid as the remark was, it really cut deep.
It opened up a wound that I thought healed. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to cry a bucket full of tears or if I wanted to scream my lungs out. I was livid and hurt at the same time. It’s crazy how his words can still hurt after all this time. Two little words brought back a lot of anger and hurt that I had pushed aside and nearly forgotten about. Two words. It’s crazy how much damage two words can do to a person.
It’s been a few days and that short conversation we had through texting afterwards still plays in my head as if it’s on repeat. What started off with him being mean ended with him giving me a compliment and we ended the night on that note. Even though he gave me a compliment, I was so angry with him that I didn’t take it as a compliment. It’s completely unfair to use words to hurt people and then to do damage control.
I’m not sure if his little rude remark was supposed to remind me that he still existed and that he still played a role in my life, but it didn’t work. I realize he’s still taking up space somewhere on God’s beautiful earth, but as long as that space is nowhere near me, I’m perfectly content. His snapchat the other night just reminded me why I broke up with him, why I stopped loving him, and why I’m happier without him in my life. Thanks to that snapchat, it may have left a bruise on my heart, but it also made me more determined. I know I deserve better than what I had when I was with him and one day when I’m ready for another relationship, I will have better.
I’m not entirely sure what his intentions were the other night. Was it to hurt me? Was it to remind me that he still existed? Was it to make me feel bad about myself? Was it to make me miss him? No matter what his intentions were the other night, he didn’t take my happiness away or have me wishing for the life I had with him back. In the end, he made me realize just how far I’ve come in the past five months and how much stronger I am as an individual now than I was then.
His words still hurt and I’m sure this isn’t the last time I’ll hear from him, but pain is temporary and strength lasts forever.